Family
by RandomCheeses
Summary: Series of interconnected one-shots. AU first animé.
1. Family

Disclaimer: I do not own

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Older sisters, Roy decided, were clearly God's way of dispensing punishment for a young man's sins. They were terrible, they really were. Because they were your sister, you loved them, but because they were your _older_ sister, you also lived in fear of them. They had terrible powers of Knowing What's Best For You and the I'm So Disappointed In You-look (in Roy's case, amended to the I'm Appalled At Your Choice Of Career, A Dog Of The Military, Have You No Decency?-glare.)

They disappeared for years, apparently up Briggs Mountain by all accounts and then came back with a husband who could challenge Alex Armstrong for the Having Muscles Where Muscles Should Not Be Award. And had they bothered to invite their loving little brother to the wedding? Of course not. They turned up a month later at your mother's place of business, completely unannounced so that they could cunningly catch you off guard.

And then they introduced you to the grunting mass of muscle as 'Roy, my wastrel of a little brother. He's a State Alchemist' (the last two words just dripping with disgust). And did they listen to him when he tried to explain that he was working on a plan to bring democracy to Amestris? Of course not. Instead they made a comment about how surprised they were that Hawkeye hadn't shot him yet. Because 'Riza was always such a _sensible _girl, whatever does she see in _you?_'

But the really annoying thing about older sisters was that they could leave a message with your mother summoning you to the little hick town where they chose to live and know that because they'd left said message with your mother, that there was no way to wriggle out of going, lest you be exposed to the motherly look of disapproval 'Because Valuing Family Is Important And You Haven't Spoken To Your Sister In Years Roy-Boy, It's About Time You Two Made Up. Oh, and then your evil genius of a mother would casually mention '_by the way, your sister seemed upset about something. She seemed to think you've corrupted her apprentices.'_

Which couldn't possibly be true, because the last time Roy had spoken to his sister she'd been busy vowing never to take on an apprentice and anyway, Roy hadn't corrupted anyone since last week, and that young lady certainly hadn't been an alchemist.

Still, the summons had been unavoidable. So here he was in Dublith, trying to remember exactly where his sister's shop was, when suddenly her voice rang out from around the corner.

"Look at the state of this place! Get it cleaned up now!"

Yep, he thought. That's Sister. Guess it's time to head into the rabid lioness' den.

He turned the corner. Saw his sister in the shop doorway, handing a broom to a teenager. Saw the blond braid. The sleeveless black shirt. The _automail arm._

And of course, the seven-foot suit of armour right next to the kid was also a clue.

_Your sister called. She wants a word with you. Said something about you corrupting her apprentices._

As his mother's words echoed unpleasantly in his mind, an uncharacteristic whimper of denial escaped the Flame Alchemist's mouth.

"Get the yard swept fast, boys," his sister ordered in her dreaded I Am Quickly Running Out Of Patience With You-voice. "My little brother should be here soon. I want everything spick and span before he arrives."

And wonder of wonders, Edward Elric, professional back-chatter and the boy for whom politeness was only a nodding acquaintance, squeaked "Yes Teacher!" and _bowed._ The tiny part of Roy that was not panicking and contemplating his imminent bloody death at the hands of his furious sibling was rather impressed.

"Oh no," Roy whispered, in the hope that denying the situation aloud would make it go away. "You've got to be _kidding_ me." I recruited my sister's apprentice as a State Alchemist, he thought faintly. When he was _twelve. _And she _knows_ about it. I am so _dead._

"I can't believe Teacher has a brother," the huge suit of armour said in childish excitement, interrupting Roy's thoughts of thrown butcher's knives and kicks to the head. "I wonder if he's anything like her?"

Just then, Izumi reappeared at the door, caught sight of her brother, and beamed. "Oh good. Now that everyone's here, we can all have a long talk. Won't that be nice, boys? Come in, Roy."

Ed blinked and turned curiously. "Your brother's name is- _Colonel?"_

Roy sighed. "Hello Fullmetal." He turned to Izumi. "Hello Sister."

"Whaaaa?"

"Fullmetal, for god's sake, breathe. You're turning purple."

###

Later, halfway through the 'nice long talk' a.k.a a lengthy lecture on listening to your teacher and not doing human transmutation/an equally long lecture about not recruiting crippled, traumatised children in order to further your own doubtlessly evil ends in the soulless military, Izumi smiled politely and excused herself to the ladies room.

"Fullmetal, why didn't you tell me Izumi was your teacher?" Roy hissed, once he was sure said Older Sister/Teacher was safely out of earshot.

"Why would I?" Ed snapped back. "It wasn't relevant! It's not like I was keeping it a secret. You didn't exactly announce that she was your sister either!"

"Well, no, but it wasn't like I could have anticipated this! Sister always said she'd never take on an apprentice. How was I supposed to know that she'd break that vow, with you of all people! Just my luck!"

"Just _your_ luck?" Ed snarled. "Do you know how furious she was when she heard I'd become a State Alchemist? My ribs still hurt! And that's because of you, isn't it? You're the reason Teacher hates the military, aren't you? Thanks for nothing, Colonel Shit!"

They glared at one another.

"She's going to kill us _all_!" Al wailed in the background. "She'll wait until we let our guards down and then she'll strike!"

Out in the hallway, Izumi pressed her ear to the keyhole and cackled evilly.

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	2. Reconciliation

Disclaimer: I do not own.

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"You're still here?" Izumi asked in surprise as Roy staggered into her back yard while she was weeding a small flower bed. "I would've thought you'd be on your way to the train station by now. After all, didn't your military superiors expect you to report back, oh, about two weeks ago?" she said, a bright smile on her face.

Roy did not smile back. "I saw you transmute," he stated evenly.

"And?" Izumi said distractedly, turning back to the flower bed.

"You don't use circles."

There was hiss of indrawn breath and Roy's sister stiffened. "What's your point?" she snapped.

"My point," Roy replied slowly, "is that when you are forced to spend three weeks alone with someone, you tend to get to know them a lot better, and apart from learning to spot when he was surreptitiously trying to feed me rat meat, I happened to notice that Edward seems to repeatedly suffer from a very specific set of nightmares."

"Is this going anywhere?" Izumi asked icily. "Or are you just talking to hear the sound of your own voice again?"

"Turns out that some people tend to talk a bit more freely if they find themselves crying in your arms after screaming themselves awake for the third time," Roy told her, ignoring Izumi's sarcasm. "Edward happened to mention that only someone who sees a particular sight can transmute without circles. And that there is only one way that someone could see that particular sight."

Izumi's back had gone rigid and she would not turn to face him. "Ed would be furious if he knew that you were telling someone you'd seen him cry," she hissed.

"I wouldn't dream of telling this to anyone else," Roy replied. "Saying it to you is different, and you know it."

"Roy, what is it that you want? For me to join your precious military, is that it?"

"What I _want_ is an explanation as to why my older sister would do something so reckless and foolish!" Roy said angrily. "What were you thinking?"

"I don't remember being obliged to explain myself to you, dog of the military," Izumi snapped. She rose and began to walk into the house, her back still turned towards Roy. "I suggest you leave."

Roy grabbed his sister's arm in frustration, halting her in her tracks. "Izumi, who was it?" he demanded. "Who could have been so important that you'd risk your life to bring them back? You know how dangerous human transmutation is, why it's forbidden. So why did you do it?"

Izumi glared poisonously at him and tried to pull away. Roy's shoulder felt as if it was being wrenched out of it's socket, but he held on tight to Izumi's wrist. He wasn't going to let his sister shake him off and send him away with a scolding. Not this time.

"Who was it?" he asked her again as she twisted his arm back. "Argh! You've got Sig, Mom's fine, so am I and the rest of the girls. So why did you do it?"

"Because I wanted my _son_ back!"

Roy's grip slackened in shock. "What?" he whispered, as Izumi pulled her wrist free.

"I wanted my son back," Izumi repeated, and to Roy's horror, he saw tears began to trickle down his sister's face.

"Your . . . son?" Roy stammered. "You had a child?"

Izumi nodded, pain in her eyes. "It was a couple of years before I met Ed and Al," she began. "When we found out I was expecting, it was like a dream come true. At first, everything was fine. I went to the doctor regularly, he would tell me that I was doing well and to remember to eat lots of fresh fruit and vegetables, things like that. But in my sixth month. . ." She trailed off.

Roy reached out and took his sister's hand. "What happened then?" he asked gently, ushering her towards a low wall to sit down.

"Something went wrong," Izumi said quietly. "I started to feel ill for days at a time and ended up spending the next three months in bed. I couldn't keep anything down and I lost so much weight. My body. . . it could no longer sustain my child. I went into labour three weeks early and . . ." She stopped and gulped, trying to hold back tears.

"He died birth," Roy finished for her.

But Izumi shook her head. "No," she whispered bitterly. "Before birth. My son died inside me and I was so, so _angry,_ Roy. It just wasn't fair! He never even got the chance to have a life at all. I couldn't see him as being dead. All I could think of was that it must have been some kind of mistake, that I had to correct it. And when the transmutation went wrong I paid for my foolishness."

"Your illness," Roy guessed.

Izumi nodded. "Though it's not really an illness. It's an internal wound. I tried to bring a child back to life and in return the Gate made sure I could never have another."

Her brother could only stare, horrified. "Sister . . ."

She tried to smile. "It's probably for the best isn't it? The closest I've had to living sons in my life are Ed and Al, and look what happened to them. I didn't warn them, didn't teach them or protect them well enough."

Tears had begun to run down Izumi's face in an unstoppable flow. "Who knows the kind of mess," she coughed, "that I would've made in the life of a child actually related to-"

Roy cut her off, his hand suddenly covering over her mouth. "Stop," he begged, hugging her close. "Just stop. That isn't true and you know it!"

"I-"

"You would make a great mother," Roy whispered in his sister's ear. "Don't ever think any different. Not ever."

Sig Curtis watched from the doorway as his wife embraced her brother for the first time in years. Perhaps Izumi would feel a little better from now on, he thought.

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	3. You were where?

Disclaimer: I do not own.

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When his best friend had requested a few days leave and then disappeared without telling anyone where he was going, Maes Hughes hadn't been too worried. After all, Roy did have business with things that he wouldn't want even friends to know about for their own safety. Besides, the man was the Flame Alchemist. It went without saying that he could look after himself, and even the weather had been particularly fine lately. Not a drop of rain in ages.

Three weeks later however, when there was still no word from Roy, Maes had started to get a little worried. In fact, he'd normally be a lot more worried by now, except. . . Hawkeye wasn't. Roy's dedicated First Lieutenant wasn't showing even the tiniest smidgen of worry over the whereabouts of her errant superior. Maes knew that Hawkeye would rather cook her own gun and serve it to the Fuhrer with parsley sauce than let any harm come to her Colonel. So if she didn't think he was in danger, then he probably wasn't.

Still, it _had_ been three weeks. So he decided to swing by Roy's office and see if he could get Hawkeye to at least give him a clue to Roy's location.

Hughes found her at her desk, busily sorting through paperwork and keeping a sharp eye on the rest of Roy's subordinates, lest they use the Colonel's absence as a golden opportunity to slack off. So he coughed to attract her attention, nodded towards the door to Roy's office and said, "First Lieutenant Hawkeye? Could I have a word in private please?"

"Of course, Lt. Col." Hawkeye rose and led Hughes into the Colonel's office. Then she closed the door firmly and turned to look at him. "What can I do for you, sir?"

"Hawkeye," Hughes began awkwardly, "it's not that I want to tell you how to do your job or anything, but don't you think you should start looking for Roy? He's been missing for three weeks."

"Colonel Mustang is visiting his sister," the ever-efficient lieutenant replied calmly. "They haven't seen each other in quite some time. No doubt they have a lot to talk about."

Hughes' eyes widened in surprise for a second and then he nodded. "Oh," he conceded. "Well, that explains everything." He paused, as a stray thought struck him. "Er, you don't think Izumi's killed him, do you?"

"I doubt it Lt. Colonel. He's due back, right about . . . now," Hawkeye replied, and right on cue, Roy Mustang staggered through the doorway of his office, looking much thinner than he'd been when he left and much, much more miserable.

"Sir," Hawkeye saluted him, as he wobbled over to his chair and sat down, before she left, presumably in search of more paperwork.

"Hughes," Roy said raspily, once Hawkeye was gone, "what are you doing here?"

"Oh you know," Hughes said innocently, "just checking up on my best friend who's been missing for, oh, three weeks, and neglected to inform me that he was just _visiting his sister._"

"Ah," Roy muttered. "You're mad at me."

"Oh not at all. I'm quite used to my closest friends vanishing without a trace to god-knows-where. So how is your sister these days? Still violently opposed to all state alchemists?"

Roy grimaced. "Even more violently than before. Turns out Izumi took on a pair of apprentices since the last time I saw her."

"So?"

"So would you care to guess as to the names of those apprentices?"

Hughes' mouth dropped open. "You're kidding," he breathed, an appropriately horrified look crossing his face.

Roy narrowed his eyes at his best friend. "I just spent three weeks marooned on an island with no alchemy. Does it _look_ like I'm kidding?"

Hughes blinked. "You what?"

Roy's tough expression crumbled abruptly. "She marooned me on Yock Island," he whined. "_Without_ my gloves. I haven't eaten any proper food in a week. I'm hungry, Hughes! Take pity and feed me!"

"Aw c'mon Roy," Hughes said with a grin, "it can't have been that bad."

He then found himself the recipient of one the most vicious looks ever to cross the face of Roy Mustang and admitted to himself that, okay, yes it could've been that bad. Probably worse.

"I'd like to see how _you'd_ do stranded on an island for three weeks!" Roy growled at him. However, unfortunately for Roy, the snarl in his voice was rather undermined by the fact that his stomach had started rumbling.

"Ahh, I know you don't mean that."

"Oh yes, I do." Roy snapped. "Food. I need it. You can get it. Or you can have a wonderful island holiday."

Hughes backed away slightly, making sure that Roy's desk was between the two of them. His friend's mental state appeared to be a little fragile and 'better safe than sorry' seemed to be the way to go. "But how would you explain to my adorable Elysia that her daddy can't come home and kiss her goodnight for three whole weeks?" he said quickly. "You're her favourite Uncle Roy. You wouldn't want to make her cry, now would you?"

Roy scowled. "Dammit. That's low, Hughes."

_Hah! Saved by the power of adorableness, _Hughes thought, resisting the urge to grin triumphantly.

"Although," Roy mused thoughtfully, "I could tell her that her father was away on vacation and having a wonderful time and would be home soon with souvenirs."

"And, have my Elysia thinking Daddy left her and Mommy to go on vacation alone?" Hughes cried in a scandalized tone. "That's terrible!"

"Okay, on a fun, but slightly dangerous vacation, on an island filled with wild animals."

"Oh right, that's _so _much better." Hughes straightened up and pitched his voice lower, in an impression of Roy. "Don't worry, it's okay, Elysia. Daddy's having fun almost being eaten by wild beasts."

Roy groaned. "Oh just get me some food!"

Hughes ignored him. "Besides," he said, apparently addressing empty air, "there's nothing remotely dangerous on that island unless your sister comes to visit."

"Oh really?" Roy asked sweetly. "I should tell her you said that. And invite her to visit Central. You two haven't seen each other in ages after all."

Hughes almost swallowed his tongue. "You wouldn't!"

"You haven't fed me yet," Roy snapped. "So yes, I would. And there were so wild animals on Yock Island. Izumi dropped Fullmetal there with me."

"Y'know Roy, in the time it's taken for us to have this argument, you could have easily got yourself a sandwich," Hughes pointed out. "Why are you obsessed with having me feed you? And for the last time, Ed does not count as a wild animal." He paused. "Hang on, if Ed was there, why didn't you two just transmute a boat and row home?"

Roy raised an eyebrow. "And why are you assuming that Izumi left him his arm?"

"You're kidding. . ."

"I never kid when Izumi is involved. It tends to get back to her."

"True," Hughes agreed with a shudder. "Still, even without his arm, I'm sure Ed remembers how to actually draw-"

"He refused," Roy interrupted, a supremely irritated look on his face. "Izumi told him not to. And, he _listened_," Roy added, starting to look a tad sulky, though Hughes supposed it _might_ just be fatigue. "It's not right, you know. I'm his commanding officer, and he responds to _my_ orders by screaming profanity at me and then following the orders in the loosest, most destructive manner he can think of. She just _looks_ at him, and he does whatever she says to the letter."

"Well, you also don't greet people by flinging them into walls," Hughes pointed out practically.

Roy sniffed. "Some of us believe respect can be gained - from anyone rational, at any rate - without beating it out of people. Also, the military frowns on that sort of behaviour. It's disruptive."

"Well, yes it would be, I suppose. Still, you and Ed suffered together, right? Surely that means you two bonded and gained some mutual respect?"

"Ha. You jest," Roy said flatly. "This is Fullmetal we're talking about. The only reason he shared the food he caught with me was because he wanted to wait for the optimum time to tell me that I was eating rat."

"Rat?"

"Rat," Roy confirmed. "I should have known when the little brat offered it already cut into unrecognizable pieces." He paused, twitching slightly. "And, that honestly sounds almost appetizing right now. What does a man have to do to get some food from his best friend?"

Hughes smiled and moved around the desk to throw an arm over Roy's shoulder. "Just ask," he said cheerfully.

"I already did. Repeatedly. You snarked at me."

"Well, ask and," he took out a stack of photographs, "look at my complete collection of Elysia on her tricycle!"

Roy sighed in resignation. "Oh all right. But I better get a three course meal out of this."

"Gracia's best lasagne," Hughes promised. "By the way," he asked, "where are Ed and Al now anyway?"

"Izumi let them go two days early," Roy answered distractedly, now daydreaming of the world's best lasagne. "They should have arrived back here yesterday. You haven't seen them yet?"

"Huh. Nope, haven't seen them," Hughes replied, scratching at his beard as he sorted through the photographs. "Oh look at this one! Isn't she gorgeous?"

Roy nodded dutifully. "Adorable. Think I'll get Havoc to drive over to the dorms and check on them," he decided. "I've got another mission for Ed anyway."

###

Twenty minutes later, Roy found himself standing in the Elric brother's dorm room along with a panicking Lt. Havoc.

Roy stared at the hugely complex array on the floor, at the empty suit of armour, and at the odd, glittering white gravel littering the room. But most of all he stared at the two blond, golden eyed boys who couldn't have been any more than ten or eleven years old, huddled together in the middle of the array, stark naked but for the nearly-hyperventilating lieutenant's jacket.

"Edward? Alphonse?" he asked, trying to his best to keep his voice steady. "Are you, well, _you_?"

The slightly younger, less familiar looking boy nodded hesitantly. "Um. Yes?" he said, sounding as if he wasn't entirely sure.

Their identities tentatively confirmed, Roy focused on the boy who was almost certainly Edward. "Fullmetal, what have you done?" he demanded. "Are you both alright? What _happened?_"

Edward stared back at him silently.

"Well?" Roy asked again, horrible suspicions beginning to fill his mind as the blank, empty look stayed on the boy's face. "Edward? Answer me!"

Being addressed by name seemed to flick a switch in the boy. His eyes cleared and he shook his head. Then, finally, Ed spoke.

"Who _are_ you? And what's Fullmetal?"

_Oh, _Roy thought blankly, _well that settles it. Izumi's going to kill me._

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	4. Guardian

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Roy knew he should be happy. Celebrating, even. The Elrics had finally managed to restore themselves and could now have normal lives as two completely flesh and blood human beings. Ed's contract would be up in a few months and then he and his destructive tendencies would be out of the military and out of Roy's hair.

Of course, said destructive tendencies had proved useful in helping to push Roy up the military ladder and he'd cheerfully taken every opportunity for advancement that Ed's chaotic brilliance had provided. But still, he had to admit that Ed would be better off out of the military and despite their differences, Roy really did want Ed to have what was best for him.

Thus, the Flame Alchemist should have been celebrating at Alphonse's return to flesh and blood, and the restoration of Edward's limbs. Unfortunately, there was one, small, problem.

When the Elric brothers had restored themselves, they'd somehow restored themselves right back to the way they had been before. _Exactly_ as they had been. Which meant that Roy now had to come up with an exceedingly good explanation for his superiors as to why the Fullmetal Alchemist was eleven years old again and why he and his brother had absolutely no memory of the last four and a half years.

Said alchemist and his brother were currently huddled on the couch in Roy's office, wrapped only in blankets, because they'd been found stark naked in their dorm room on top of an inconceivably complex array by a very startled Lt. Havoc, who had been dispatched to find clothing that actually fit the two boys as soon as he'd calmed down from his panic fit.

The first thing that Ed had said after Roy had demanded to know if they were all right and what the _hell _had happened, had been a confused "who are you?" followed by Al's observation that "he looks kinda like teacher to me, brother." (And oh god, did Roy not want to be reminded of his big sister right now. She was going to steal his gloves and maroon him on Yock Island again when she heard about this. He knew it.)

So now the boys were on his office couch staring silently at everything and drinking hot chocolate provided by Hawkeye, while Roy hid behind the relative safety of his desk and listened to Hughes inform him about how many of his superiors were interested in knowing exactly how the Elrics had rejuvenated themselves.

Roy pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "Hughes," he groaned quietly, holding up a hand to stall the flow of information, "just let me know when Fullmetal's mechanic and her grandmother get here so that they can see the boys safely back to Resembool where they'll be out of reach of my overly inquisitive superiors while we clean up this mess."

"That's, uh, something else I've kinda been trying to bring to your attention, Roy," Hughes said. "They can't. Orphaned minors can only stay with their legal guardian. Which Mrs. Rockbell is not. Not on paper anyway."

Roy frowned. "Technically, Ed and Al don't have a legal guardian. They became emancipated minors once Ed joined the military."

"True," Hughes agreed. "But General Raven is arguing that since they somehow managed to turn back the clock, so to speak, they are no longer members of the military."

"And thus none of his business-"

"Usually. Except that an alchemist with the power that Ed and Al have demonstrated-"

"Is a threat to state security and thus under the jurisdiction of the military, or some other ridiculous excuse like that, am I right?" Roy finished with a sigh.

"Pretty much," Hughes confirmed. "Except, as General Grumman pointed out, they do in fact have a military approved guardian. There's paperwork and everything." The bespectacled man began to grin.

"What?" Roy asked, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise. "Who?"

Hughes raised an eyebrow at him and Roy's stomach started to sink. "Not me!" he protested. "I never signed anything like tha- oh. Oh. Crap."

"Yep," his best friend agreed, a trifle too happily in Roy's opinion. "That time Ed was in hospital and the doctor wouldn't let you see him. You remember. Afterwards, you asked me to find the proper paperwork for you so that you wouldn't have to threaten anyone with incineration just to see your subordinate-"

"-and I signed that form that gave me the right to have final say on Ed's medical matters. Yes, but I thought that was only power of attorney. Whatever rights he chooses to give me, yes?"

"When it applies to emancipated minors, yes," Hughes said. "It's only a sort of power of attorney then. But like I said, Raven argued that Ed and Al are dependant minors now instead of military personnel. Which makes you, as their legal guardian, responsible for everything from clothes they wear to the-"

"-food they eat," Roy interrupted. "Great."

Hughes gave him an irritated look. "Hey, can I finish my sentences, please?"

"Sorry."

"As I was saying," Hughes continued pointedly, "according to the law, _you_ are their guardian. Legally, you actually have the right to call yourself their father."

Roy looked at the two amnesiac Elrics in rapidly developing horror. They looked back.

Al smiled at him and waved shyly. Ed glared and stuck out his tongue.

"I'm doomed," Roy groaned. He buried his head in hands, radiating abject despair.

"Yep. Congratulations and welcome to the wonderful world of pre-teen parenting," Hughes said cheerfully.

"Oh shut up."

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	5. Babysitter

Disclaimer: I do not own.

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Hughes sat on the barstool watching his best friend nurse a shot of whiskey with a vengeance. _Not good_, he thought, _the point of tonight was to give Roy an opportunity to relax. _

"So," he said, deciding to bring up a recent domestic victory. "At least you finally got Ed and Al to agree that they're obliged to attend the academy next year. That'll please the higher ups too, right? If we're lucky, General Raven might stop suggesting to the Fuhrer that someone else take custody of them, since being academy students half guarantees they'll enlist again anyway. Not to mention, Grumman will be pleased at not having to argue with him anymore about the fact that you are Mr. Legal Guardian."

This turned out to be exactly the wrong thing to say.

"Oh no," Roy sulked, glaring at his glass. "_I_ didn't convince them of anything. Hawkeye did. All I got was repeated yells of "I don't wanna!" But apparently as long as Miss Riza says it, it's okay. Because Miss Riza is so scary. Miss Riza is so awesome. _Miss Riza_ is so much cooler than Roy, he can't _really _be Teacher's brother. Teacher must have been kidding. Little brats."

"You're . . . jealous, aren't you?" Hughes realised incredulously. "You're actually jealous."

"No," Roy denied immediately.

"Yes you are," Hughes insisted. "You're jealous of the fact that Ed and Al listened to Hawkeye and not to you."

"Well, how would you like it if Elysia only listened to Gracia and sulked whenever you asked her to do anything," Roy snapped. "They're living in my house, they're eating my food. But do they listen to a word I say? No. They're terrified of my sister and they worship my subordinate, but in my own home, my kids won't listen to me." He scowled and took another sip of his whiskey.

Hughes stared at his friend for a moment, wondering if Roy had even noticed _exactly_ what he'd just said and then began to grin.

"What?" Roy demanded. "What are you smirking at?"

"Nothing, nothing," Hughes said innocently, before turning to the bar and waving his hand to get the barman's attention. "How about another round?"

**_Your_**_ kids, huh? When did that happen?_

###

Babysitting. Not that it was especially difficult or arduous, the Elrics were both well behaved boys after all. But still, it was babysitting. Riza was a trained soldier, an excellent shooter and as of last week, a Captain in the Amestrian Army, (thank you General, it was about damn time for a promotion). Babysitting two pre-teen boys was not exactly how she'd pictured her night off.

How had she let Hughes talk her into this?

Okay, yes, she admitted, sudden parenthood had been taking a visible toll on Ro- _the Colonel,_ lately, and Hughes had had a point when he'd suggested that the Colonel needed a night out to relax. Naturally it couldn't be just anyone who watched the Elrics while the Colonel was out. They were still alchemical geniuses after all, four years younger or not. Ed had already demonstrated that he still had the ability to do what Riza mentally referred to as clap-alchemy.

Hughes had pointed out that Riza was one of the few people qualified to watch them, by saying bluntly that "Hawkeye's been managing you since you were fourteen, Roy, I'm sure she can take care of Ed and Al for a few hours." In addition to giving the Colonel a sudden coughing fit, Hughes' words had effectively trapped Riza seeing as he'd said them right in front Ed and Al, who, based on some sort of rating system Riza couldn't even begin to fathom, had decided that she was 'cool'.

Riza had then discovered that the Elrics could do the puppy-eyed look even better than Roy Mustang caught in the rain and 'in search of just one cup of coffee, please Lieutenant, you know how I catch a chill'. She hadn't been able to say no, because when she'd tried Al had looked like he might cry and said 'don't you _want_ to stay with us Miss Riza, please? We'll be good, I _promise._'

Since it was common knowledge that anyone who made Alphonse cry would end up in a specially reserved circle of hell, Riza had smiled reassuringly at the younger boy and said she'd be delighted to stay with him and Ed for a few hours. Then she'd seen the evil triumphant smile that fluttered across Al's face faster than a heartbeat.

Oh yes, Riza was not going to be fooled again. Alphonse Elric, it turned out, was a manipulator extraordinaire. She suspected that Roy- _the Colonel_ had been giving him lessons.

_And thank you too, Hughes_, Riza thought. _Yes indeed. Thank you very much. Next time it'll be you who gets to babysit the hyper alchemists. After I've 'accidentally' slipped them a whole bag of caramel candies._

Thankfully, the hyperness had worn off by now and the brothers were starting to get sleepy. In another half an hour or so, Riza would be able to pack them off to bed and relax on the couch until the Colonel and Hughes returned. She was looking forward to it.

It was about fifteen minutes later, when Riza had ordered the boys into the bathroom to wash their teeth, that Ed turned to her and said in typical blunt eleven-year-old fashion, "You like Roy, don't you?"

"Colonel Mustang is an admirable man and we've worked together for a long time," Riza agreed blandly, wondering where Ed was going with this.

"You should marry him," Al informed her while stray toothpaste dribbled down his chin.

Riza felt a moment of pride that the only sign she displayed of her utter flabbergastedness at hearing this suggestion from the brothers, was a momentary eye-twitch. "What?" she asked, after successfully getting it under control. "Why do you say that, Al?

"Because then you could take care of each other," Ed chimed in, before Al could answer. "It's not fair that you look after him all the time and he doesn't do anything."

"Right," Al said seriously as he used a tissue to wipe his face clean. "If you married him, then he'd have to take care of you too. He shouldn't be making you do all the work. Right Ed?"

"Yeah. Roy's not like Dad. I guess," Ed admitted grudgingly, spitting some toothpaste into the sink. "He wouldn't leave Miss Riza for no reason. They should get married."

Al rolled his eyes at this. "Dad didn't leave for no reason, Ed."

"Yes he did! You were a baby anyway. You don't remember it. I do!"

"Brother! That's not true!"

"Boys?" Riza asked, deciding to break up the argument quickly. "Where exactly did you get the idea that it's my job to take care of the Colonel?"

"Isn't it?" Al asked, sounding a little disappointed.

"Sort of, yes," Riza assured him quickly. "But it's a little more complicated than that. So where exactly did you hear it?"

"Mr Hughes said so," Ed told her cheerfully, forgetting his argument with his brother. "Remember?"

"Oh yes, so he did," Riza murmured, an evil smile appearing on her face. "You know, I think I need to have a word with Lt. Col. Hughes. Now, off to bed with you two."

###

Hughes sneezed.

"Y'know," Roy slurred slightly as he and Hughes navigated their way across the crowded bar, "they say that every time you sneeze, it's because someone's talking about you."

Hughes grabbed his best friend's arm and pulled him towards the door. "C'mon," he said between sneezes, "we need to sober you up a bit before we go home. Last thing Ed and Al need is to see you drunk."

"They'll be asleep," Roy said dismissively. He smiled drunkenly. "Ed curls up in his sleep, y'know. Like a baby. And Al always kicks his foot out from under the blanket. I keep having to tuck it back in when I check on them. It's so cute. You should see it."

"Take a picture," Hughes suggested.

"While they're asleep?" Roy said doubtfully. "That would be creepy."

"I have pictures of Elysia sleeping. Are you saying I'm creepy?"

"Er, dunno. Maybe?"

"Rooooy!"

* * *

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	6. Uniform

Disclaimer: I do not own

* * *

"No!"

"Edward-"

"I'm not wearing this. It'll make me look like a dork!"

"Of course it won't," Roy lied through his teeth, as he held up the offending article of clothing. But, he reflected while Ed attempted to squirm away, the boy was probably right. There were only a few select people who could make the uniform of Central Military Academy look good and Roy suspected, that like himself, Ed was not one of them.

"How come I have to wear it, anyway?" Ed demanded. "Al doesn't have to."

"Because Al won't be attending the academy this year. But you are, so please," Roy paused and looped the tie around Ed's neck, "just be still and try on the dam- er, dratted uniform."

"This collar's way too tight," the eleven-year-old whined. "Feels like you're strangling me."

Roy rolled his eyes. _Oh please, don't tempt me._

"I shouldn't have to go to the stupid academy either," Ed complained as Roy pulled the tie straight. "Everyone will be older than me. Miss Riza says the other first years will all be thirteen or older."

"When you were a state alchemist, your colleagues were generally a decade your senior," Roy replied. "I'm sure you'll be able to manage just fine in a class full of teenagers. You have more than enough intelligence."

Ed made a face. "I can't remember being a state alchemist. And anyway, Al's smart too," he pointed out with childish cunning. "So he has to come as well. Right?"

"No," Roy said firmly. "You'll only be two years younger than your classmates. Al would be three years behind everyone else. It's too big a gap."

Ed scowled and pulled at his navy tie. Roy sighed and pulled it back again. "Stop fidgeting with it, Ed. It's fine."

"It's too tight. I can't breathe!"

"Edward, if you don't stop messing with your tie, I'll, I'll . . ." Roy trailed off, shaking his head in exasperation. Several threats had suggested themselves, but they were either too violent, or involved telling someone else about his ward's bad behaviour. Mostly Izumi or Riza.

The trouble was, Roy thought, that if Edward's good behaviour was constantly achieved by using his fear of someone else instead of appealing to his (theoretical) respect for Roy, then Ed would never truly listen to him. Furthermore, the last thing he wanted was to have to frighten Ed into obedience.

Ed had never had true reason to be afraid of him when he was Roy's subordinate and Roy certainly didn't want to give him one now. His new relationship with the young alchemist required him to earn Ed's respect and trust. You couldn't properly care for a child if they didn't trust you.

Roy was brought out of his distracted thoughts by the sound of Ed muttering mutinously. "This is stupid," the boy was saying. "Stupid tie, stupid fancy shirt with stupid gold buttons, and I hate the stupid haircut. You let her cut my bangs. I look just like Al. It's all stupid."

He sighed. _You're plotting a revolution in your spare time, Roy, _he admonished himself. _Coming up with a way to stop one child from complaining about a uniform should not be beyond your capabilities. You should not be completely out of ideas!_

Well okay, that wasn't quite true, Roy admitted to himself. One idea had occurred to him, but unfortunately, its success hinged on exposing himself to ridicule and he really wasn't all that keen on being laughed at by an eleven-year-old.

Roy took hold of Ed's shoulders. "You stay right there," he ordered in his most serious voice. "I'll be right back." He went to leave the room and then stopped. "And leave your tie alone," he added as an after thought.

Ed stuck out his tongue.

###

Roy found what he was looking for at the very bottom of his wardrobe, where he'd hidden it after his foster-mother had threatened to find an alchemist to make copies of it, so that she could have one in every room.

"Right," he said, returning to Ed with his prize. "You think you're the only one who ever had to wear something uncomfortable? You think you look silly? Take a look at this."

Ed took the photograph from Roy and gave it a cursory glance. Then his eyes widened and he burst into a fit of giggles. "Your hair looks really stupid!" he crowed in delight.

"Well thanks Ed, I love you too," Roy said dryly. But when he looked at the picture of himself, he privately admitted that Ed was right. His hair was far too short, due to the academy's rules about personal appearance, and his earliest attempt to have it look attractively tousled had just created a spiky mess on the left side of his head. His uniform shirt being tucked tightly into his pants to stop it flapping around his thin frame didn't help. Neither did the fact that he was wearing the particular expression that Maes persisted in referring to as 'Roy's dorky-face'.

Roy became aware that Ed had stopped laughing himself sick and turned his attention to the boy. To his surprise, Ed was blushing hotly and taking an intense interest in the floor.

"What's the matter with you?" he enquired. "Laughing at my youthful mistakes not interesting enough for you?"

"Nrring," Ed mumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing. I think you're okay. So does Al," Ed said, biting his lip and making an obvious effort to look Roy in the face.

"I'm . . . glad you think so?" Roy said carefully. "Any particular reason you're telling me this?"

Well, you said that you um, um . . ." Ed trailed off, red to the roots of his hair.

"What . . . oh," Roy realised. "Ah, I was just joking, Edward," he explained, and then hastily tacked on "but I am very fond of both you and Alphonse, of course," when he saw sudden hurt in the boy's eyes.

"Yeah, well, you're okay," Ed repeated grudgingly. "I guess."

"How magnanimous of you."

"Shtp."

"What was that?"

"Nothing," Ed said quickly. He went back to inspecting the photograph. "Is this guy beside you Mister Hughes?"

"Yes, that's him. Well done."

"His glasses are the same," Ed explained loftily. "So how come you look silly in the uniform and Mister Hughes looks good?"

"'Why do', not 'how come'," Roy corrected. "You know, to be honest, I never figured out how he did it. Some people just have all the luck. Now, there's a jacket around here somewhere to go with your shirt and tie. We'll see how that looks as well."

"Aww, no! This is so _stupid._"

###

"Yo, Roy!"

"Oh God," Roy groaned as Hughes stuck his head through the open back door of Roy's kitchen. "It's Sunday. My day _off. _Is just half-an-hour's break too much to ask?"

Hughes looked taken aback. "Er, thanks? What crawled up _your_ trousers and died?"

"An academy uniform," Roy muttered in exasperation. "Sorry Hughes. I've had an irritating day. Also, I've figured out why the brass put up so little fuss over my having guardianship of the first people to ever achieve the feat of de-aging themselves."

"Oh yeah?" Hughes said with interest. "Why's that, then?"

"Clearly," Roy answered, "they have figured out my plans to become Fuhrer and toss them out on their worthless asses. Thus they have devised a plan of fiendish cunning. By giving me custody of Ed and Al, they're trying to ensure that I'm too tired and aggravated to even think straight. Another month of this and I'll be in hospital recovering from exhaustion."

"So, I'm guessing this isn't the best time to tell you about how parenting is a worthy and rewarding experience?"

Roy groaned again. "Whatever I did to deserve this," he declared to the air, "I'm sorry!"

* * *

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	7. Memos and Letters

Disclaimer: I do not own.

* * *

_Memo to: Col. Roy Mustang_

_From: Lt. Riza Hawkeye._

_Re: Lateness_

_'I cannot come in to work due to parenting related exhaustion' is not a valid excuse, Sir. _

_Do not try it again._

"If Lieutenant Colonel Hughes can simultaneously be a parent and work, then so can you, sir," Riza said firmly.

"But Hawkeye, Hughes has only one kid," the Colonel defended himself. "And a wife! I, on the other hand, am clearly outnumbered."

"Then I suggest that you ask your family for help, sir."

"I already tried," Roy said mournfully. "Madam Christmas told me she wasn't old enough to be a grandmother and kicked me out."

"What about Izumi?"

The Colonel blanched. "Actually, I think I'll be able to manage. There's no need to make her come all the way from Dublith."

"Very good sir."

###

_Memo to: Col. Roy Mustang_

_From: Lt. Riza Hawkeye_

_Re: Execution of correct duties_

_Your staff are not a free babysitting service, sir. Stop conning them into watching the Elrics just so that you have time to go on a date._

"I didn't con them. They volunteered," Roy protested.

"They don't have the time. They're far enough behind in their paperwork as it is," the Lieutenant replied sharply. She looked meaningfully at the pile on Roy's own desk.

He gulped.

###

_Memo to: 2nd Lt. Havoc_

_From: Col. Roy Mustang_

_Re: Collection_

_Do me a favour and collect Ed from the academy today, would you?_

Havoc looked at the memo in surprise and then glanced towards the inner office. "Why did the Colonel write this? He coulda just told me."

"He's too busy," Hawkeye answered as she walked past carrying an armload of forms higher than her head.

Minutes later, there was a heartfelt groan from the inner office.

###

_Memo to: That DIRTBAG who upset Alphonse Elric with exceptionally rude remarks while he and his brother were waiting for Col. Mustang outside his office._

_From: Col. Mustang's staff._

_We know who you are. When we catch up with you, Ed transmuting your bootlaces together will be the **least** of your worries._

To the mystification of all who knew him, 2nd Lieutenant Weiss suddenly requested a transfer to the northern border and spent the entire trip there looking nervously over his shoulder.

"Hello, Second Lieutenant," Captain Buccaneer greeted him upon arrival. "A friend in Central told me about you. I've been looking forward to meeting you. Around here, we don't like people who pick on little kids."

He brandished his automail.

Weiss fainted.

Buccaneer spat. "Feh. Even more of a coward than Hawkeye wrote."

"You haven't managed to convince her to transfer up here yet, have you?" General Armstrong asked later. "I could use another strong woman on my team."

"I'm working on it," Buccaneer promised.

###

_Memo to: Roy_

_From: Ed and Al._

_Re: Breakfast_

_WHERE IS IT?_

"Hilarious," the Colonel muttered, looking blearily at the paper taped to his kitchen door. "Don't they know that Sunday is for sleeping in?"

Something poked him in the back. He turned round and found the Elrics looking up at him grumpily.

"You're awake," Al announced. "Now can we have food?"

"Food," Ed echoed, yawning.

Roy raised an eyebrow at them. "And where exactly did you two get printed memo papers?"

"Miss Riza let us borrow one," they chorused.

"Of course she did. What was I thinking?"

###

_Dear _**_Col. Mustang_**_,_

_I would like to speak with you concerning your son/daughter, _**_ward , Edward Elric__ ._**

_Please make an let our secretary know what time an appointment would be convenient._

_Yours Sincerely,_

**_Col. Evan Harker (Deputy Headmaster)_**

_Central Military Academy._

"Colonel Mustang!" the Deputy Headmaster greeted him. "Welcome. It's very good of you to come."

"Your letter said you wished to speak to me about Ed, Mr. Harker," Roy replied flatly, pointedly ignoring the retired military man's rank. "Has he gotten himself into trouble?"

"No, no, not as such," Harker said, twitching slightly at the appellation 'Mr.' "Edward is a gifted boy." He coughed awkwardly. "But that is hardly news to you, I am sure, given his er. . ."

"Unique circumstances?" Roy suggested.

"Yes, exactly," Harker agreed. "Unfortunately Colonel, despite your young ward's undeniable intelligence, he is rather . . . undisciplined. Understandable, of course," the man smiled cheerfully, "with his, as you said, 'unique circumstances'."

Roy narrowed his eyes at Harker and saw him swallow nervously. "Undisciplined?" he asked. "How so?"

"According to his teachers, Edward has trouble concentrating in class," Harker explained.

A sudden suspicion occurred to Roy. "He hasn't been correcting the teachers, has he?"

Harker laughed nervously. "No, no. We would have been in touch much sooner if that was the case. No, Edward's problem seems to be his attention span. He spends most of his classes day dreaming."

Roy frowned. "His marks have been satisfactory so far, yes?"

"Er, yes."

"Then clearly Ed must be paying some attention," he snapped. "The boy has more intelligence than the majority of this country's population. If his marks are good, clearly he is putting it to use. I trust you are not just wasting my time here, Mr. Harker."

Harker bridled. "Colonel Mustang, I understand that Edward _was_ a highly skilled State Alchemist, but right now he is an eleven-year-old boy with no recollection of any of that. If he has been doing anything other than staring out the window when he's supposed to be watching his teachers, then eight different highly qualified instructors have missed it, and I don't think that's very likely."

"It's just that his teachers feel, and I agree," Harker continued, "that Edward would benefit greatly from attending the academy as a full time boarder instead of just as a day student. As an alumni yourself, you are aware that in the majority of cases, boarders, having already experienced a, watered down version shall we say, are much better prepared for the routine that members of the military are expected to follow. You wouldn't be expected to pay extra fees," he added quickly. "The academy would obviously be glad to overlook them in the case of such a gifted student."

"Be assured," Roy replied icily once the man had finished, "that if I choose to enrol Edward as a boarder, then I would be quite capable of paying the costs without assistance."

"Of course, of course, I meant no offense," Harker replied nervously. "Still, I encourage you to do so. It would be of great benefit to him," he repeated.

Roy picked through his memories of his own days as a full time boarder at the academy. Then he did a quick calculation of the tendency of teenage boys to pick on the smallest, youngest kid in the dorm, versus Ed's ability to refrain from seriously injuring people with his Izumi-taught martial arts skills when he lost his temper. Finally he added in a rough estimate of how miserable both Ed and Al would quickly become if Ed did not come home for months and another estimate of how long it would take before Ed simply decided to leave by creating a hole in the academy wall.

"No Deputy Headmaster, I think not."

###

_Memo to: Edward_

_From: Your hardworking guardian who is paying for your education out of the goodness of his heart._

_Re: School_

_Could you at least **try** to look as if you're paying attention in class?_

"Is it really that boring, Brother?" Al asked, peeking over his brother's shoulder at the memo taped to the fridge.

"Worse," Ed confirmed. "They don't do any alchemy at all." He turned and saw his that his little brother was clutching an envelope. "What's that?"

"It's a letter for Roy. The postman delivered it just now."

"Huh. Wait a minute. . . isn't that teacher's handwriting?"

###

_Dear Little Brother, _

_Sig and I have decided to visit you and the boys to see how you're getting on._

_We'll arrive on the morning train this Saturday._

**_Be at the station when we get there._**

_Love, _

_Izumi_

"Are you okay, Roy?" Al asked. "You've gone all white."

The Colonel swallowed. "Izumi and Sig are coming to visit," he told the children.

The two boys squeaked and clutched at each other for safety.

"Maybe we could hide in the basement," Ed suggested desperately.

"Ed, I don't have a basement."

"I could make one!"

Roy thought about it. "No," he decided regretfully. "She'd find us, and then be angry that we tried to hide."

"What are we gonna do?" Al wailed.

Roy straightened to his full height and attempted a confident look. "We're going to do the only thing that might work. We'll be on our best behaviour," he announced.

"We're doomed," Ed said flatly.

* * *

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	8. Fight

Disclaimer: I do not own.

* * *

Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc blew out a dispirited breath. It was Thursday, a day which the blond lieutenant had come to dislike severely over the last month. Chiefly because someone higher up the food-chain had come up with the brilliant idea of making it mandatory for officers with the rank of Colonel and above to have their immediate aides with them at the weekly meeting. Which happened to be on Thursday.

Of course, for the rest of the office this meant a reason to celebrate as it meant that not only was the Colonel gone for hour, but Hawkeye was also. Thus it was actually within the realm of possibility for them to briefly skive off doing their (i.e. the Colonel's) paperwork. Jean however, was not so lucky. Being the next most senior member of Team Mustang meant that he was left in charge.

Which meant that he, Havoc, was now _responsible, _and that if the requisite amount of paperwork wasn't done by the time Mustang and Hawkeye returned, then he was the one who had to face Lieutenant Hawkeye's I-Left-You-In-Charge-Where-Is-The-Paperwork? Glare of Doom and come up with an explanation which the first lieutenant found satisfactory.

Havoc sighed again and wondered if maybe he should consider a transfer to the south. Not that he wasn't 100 per cent behind the Colonel's Save-Amestris-From-Dictatorship plan, and not that the South H.Q. hadn't also implemented the Thursday Meeting Rule, but it did have almost year round sunshine and way more beautiful girls (and more to the point, no girlfriend-stealing-colonels).

It was right in the middle of a particularly good daydream about sun and southern girls that the phone on the Colonel's desk rang, almost startling the living daylights out of the blond lieutenant and sending him scrambling across the room.

"Er, hello," he managed to say, still slightly out of breath from the scramble and surprise.

"Central Academy Secretary speaking. We need to speak to Colonel Roy Mustang _immediately,"_ snapped a cracked matronly voice, "about his boy's _atrocious _behaviour."

"Uh, you do?" Havoc stammered, the voice causing him to experience a brief but terrifying flashback to his own schooldays. "I mean, of course you do. Well, um, the Colonel's actually . . . just here right now," Havoc finished with relief as the office door opened and Mustang strode back in, followed closely by Hawkeye. "Telephone for you Sir," he said quickly, handing the receiver to his superior and escaping back to the safety of his desk.

"Hello, Colonel Mustang speaking," the dark-haired man said calmly into the phone. "What is this about?"

There was a pause, as Mustang listened to the person on the other end and his forehead started to crease in confusion.

"I'm sorry," the Colonel said blankly, "he did what?"

Havoc watched as the Colonel listened for a moment and then replied, "Yes of course. I completely understand. I'll speak to him." Then he put the phone handle down briefly and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Edward," Mustang said when he put the phone back to his ear, "what have you been doing?"

There was silence for a moment, which Havoc presumed meant that Ed was answering the Colonel. As Mustang began drumming his fingers slowly against his desk, the second lieutenant gave a quick look around the office and noticed that the rest of its occupants had also begun to pay close attention to their leader. Even Lt. Hawkeye was shooting surreptitious concerned glances in her superior's direction.

"I _see,"_ Mustang said slowly. "Well, for a start, you can un-transmute them." There was another brief pause. "That was an order, young man, not a suggestion."

Mustang fell silent again as Ed answered him, and then wiped a hand over his forehead in relief. "Good," he told the boy, apparently pleased with Ed's reply. "You and I are going to have a long talk when I get home. Now for God's sake get back to your class and try not to cause any more trouble."

As he put down the phone receiver, the Colonel looked up and caught his staff's curious glance. He sighed and favoured them with a brief exasperated look. "Since it appears that my staff are incapable of working unless informed of all the latest gossip," he drawled sarcastically, "you may as well know that Ed fought with some General Fuller's son and transmuted his shoelaces together."

"Ooh," Fuery piped up worriedly, "he won't get suspended or anything, will he?"

The Colonel shook his head. "Fuery, it's a military academy. If they suspended everyone who was caught fighting, they'd have no students left."

###

When Roy finally did get home that evening, Ed was waiting by the door. He refused to look Roy in the eye, instead taking a deep interest in the pattern of the hall carpet.

"You," Roy said, taking hold of the boy's shoulder and steering him towards the small room that Roy used as a study, "an explanation if you please?"

Ed said nothing, now opting to examine the study carpet intently.

"Edward? Do you want to explain exactly why it was necessary for your teachers to call on me and interrupt my work day? And did you know that the boy you fought with is the son of one of my direct superiors. Do you think General Fuller will be happy with me when he hears that his son was attacked by mine- my ward," Roy finished a little awkwardly.

Ed shuffled his feet slightly, but did not respond, still refusing to look Roy in the eye. Exasperated, Roy cupped the sulking boy's chin in one hand, forcing Ed to meet his eyes. "Well?" he demanded. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"No," Ed ground out sulkily.

"Did the General Fuller's son _say_ something you didn't like?" Roy tried. "If he provoked you-"

"No."

"Well, did he give you a nasty look? Act threateningly towards you in any way?"

"No."

Roy resisted the urge to grind his teeth. "Then can you please explain Edward, why you took it upon yourself to fling your book at his head, transmute his shoelaces together and," Roy paused to recall what else the Academy secretary had said, "punch him in the stomach?"

"He punched me too!" Ed protested, jerking his chin away.

"I believe that was after you struck him in the head with your book, wasn't it?"

"It was just a little tap," Ed said, pouting slightly. "He didn't have to be such a baby about it."

"No matter the weapon used, a blow to the head is still serious," Roy said firmly. "And I thought you respected books, Edward."

Now, Ed glared furiously. "I do. When they're _useful._ It was just the History of Amestris. It's not like I threw an alchemy book at him!"

_Right,_ Roy sighed internally. _Because mistreating an alchemy book is obviously a crime against nature, while the history of our nation is just unimportant minutiae that the teacher shouldn't have been bothering him with._

"Be that as it may, Ed, you still haven't explained to me why exactly you felt the need to attack your class-mate," he pointed out.

"No."

"Are you going to?"

"No."

This time, Roy sighed aloud. "In that case," he announced, "both you and Alphonse lose dessert privileges. Either until the end of this week, or until you tell me why you decided to attack someone unprovoked."

"Hey! Al didn't do anything!" Ed cried. "He wasn't even there. That's not fair!"

"Your actions have consequences Ed," Roy said sternly. "They affect other people besides you. You need to learn that."

_Besides,_ he thought, _if I let Al have dessert, he'll find some way of sneaking some of it back to you, completely invalidating the punishment. Sorry Al. I'll make it up to you._

"This had better not happen again, Edward," he warned the boy. "I expected much better from you."

Ed pulled a face at him.

"Enough," Roy snapped. "Just go to your room until dinner's ready. I'm sure you have some schoolwork that needs to be done."

After Ed had gone, slamming the door on his way out, Roy sat down and let out a growl of frustration. _Don't you get it?_ he wanted to yell. _You're a child. I am responsible for your actions._ _If my ability to raise you is called into question, my superiors will take both of you away. God knows what would happen to you then, _he thought, trying desperately to ignore the horrible image of sterile labs and morally bankrupt researchers that the back of his mind insisted on showing him.

###

Much later that evening, after both Elrics had already been sent to bed, Roy was passing their bedroom door on the way to take care of a call of nature when the sound of hushed talking made him pause in mid-step. His curiosity warred with his respect for privacy for a minute before it won by underhandedly stating the Hughes had said sometimes there was no other option but to spy if you wanted to be a good parent.

Roy squashed the twinge of guilt that he felt at eavesdropping, then moved closer to the door and listened carefully.

"Ed, why _did_ you beat up that guy?" he heard Al ask quietly.

There was a rustling sound, like someone shifting awkwardly on starched sheets.

"Because he deserved it," Ed said defiantly, his voice a little more muffled than Al's.

_Probably hugging his pillow and facing the wall_, Roy thought. It was, he'd noticed, Ed's favourite position when in a sulk.

"Yeah, but _why?_" Al asked insistently. Quietly, he added, "I really wanted dessert, Brother."

_Ooh,_ Roy winced. _Guilt tactics. Good one, Al._

He listened more intently and heard Ed sitting up, followed by the sound of the boy clearing his throat.

"Because. . ." Ed said hesitantly, and Roy held his breath, in case any noise should warn Ed that he was outside and end the moment of truth before it began. "Because Alan said that his Dad is a General and is way more important than Roy. So I threw my book at him and said that his Dad couldn't even do basic alchemy. So then he said that Roy's just a stupid jerk Colonel and his alchemy sucks," Ed confessed in a rush. "So I stuck his shoelaces together and punched him."

"But Brother," Al pointed out, "you call Roy a stupid jerk all the time."

"That's different," Ed said emphatically. "It's not like I mean it. And anyway, he's _our _stupid jerk, Al. Nobody _else _is allowed to call Roy names. Er, except maybe Mr Hughes and Miss Riza. Besides," Ed added, sounding affronted, "Roy's alchemy is awesome. Alan Fuller doesn't have a clue. And he smells."

On the other side of the door, Roy attempted to retrieve his jaw from the floor. _This _was what Ed hadn't wanted to tell him? That the boy had gotten into all this trouble for . . . what? Defending Roy's honour?

He shook his head in a mixture of amusement and amazement, unable to keep a smile from appearing on his face.

_Oh, kid._

* * *

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